Ambivalence/ambivalent

am·biv·a·lence definition Pronunciation: /am-ˈbiv-ə-lən(t)s/ Function: n: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action am·biv·a·lentPronunciation: /-lənt/ Function: adj

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Happy Easter!

Easter is a promise God renews to us in each spring. May the promise of Easter fill your heart with peace and joy! Happy Easter!

from twilight to new moon

my buddy texted me out of the blue. seems he's back to his old self, no, wait, i still have to observe. i have now grown to be skeptical when it comes to his erratic behavior. maybe something's bothering him. he's the type of person who will not just spill out the beans but only after downing a bottle of vodka. oh well, looks like we will be drinking later.

life on a desert(ed)? island

I could have written this blog last night but my thoughts and feelings were like magma coming into contact with the cold rainy weather, and boy was i seething. what a time to start with the onset of the winter season. i have written about my anguish on things unmentionable here and barely had i recovered when again a series of events unfolded.

in the morning i was bent on starting with my diet and exercise regimen so i had a heavy breakfast of rice topped with corned beef. am i serious?
it was raining in the morning when we got to the office. work was pretty light in the morning. my assistant and i decided to visit the satellite clinic to do some checks on the lab so we left around 1 pm and after that we decided to drop by an adorable cozy mall with a store stuffed with all sorts of christmas trimmings for sale. I was able to get a Nativity set of the Holy Family embossed on a pillow and a Santa statue with adjustable legs. quite pricey but I need to let go of the seethiness.heheh.we went back to the office in time for our transport going home. mixed feelings, by now i was so hungry but i feel nauseated, i ate half a toast only when i got home.
I texted my buddy if we can do our walking regimen but again he was out on an errand. hmmm. which made me seeth further. i went out on my own and started walking towards the highway and on to the beach, reaching the overpass, the showers started and i stayed there for a few minutes. i made up my mind to go see my buddy whatever time he decides to go home to his flat. along the way i picked up a copy of the film "caramel". his flatmate was there and we had some nice chat. i thought it will turn out to be just fine but to my horror, i felt like magma doused with an avalanche. i learned from him that a common friend had gone into hiding? and left the island for good. Whaaat? this person owed me a huge sum from my credit card. oh no it can't be.#$%@^**!!! my mind was reeling, i'm gonna pay for almost a month's salary in that case. i'm torn.
my buddy arrived and i was hoping i could confide to him but all i got was a cold stare and episodes of long silence. what do you do when the person you hold dear stops talking to you?
i spent a few minutes more trying to compose myself but he was just as cold as the damn weather. he's been this way for two weeks now. i asked him to give me a hug and he did, somehow I felt relieved. I left his place unsure of what and how will it be in the following days, weeks and months. I felt like a beggar asking for alms when all i want was just a little bit of care and intimacy.i don't want to think about the underlying reasons but i hope i will get answers when i reread this blog. its kinda therapeutic. again, i'm torn.
it was still raining on my way home adding to the dreary, consuming events of the evening but i had to put up face. by then, im already in shreds.
when i got home wifey and i discussed about her meeting with her boss. her plans now of not renewing her work contract are somewhat taking shape. and i told her it would benefit the family if she stops working and be a full time mom, which means she has to go back to the home country while i stay here and continue working. silly and cruel as it may seem but i guess we need it to be able to satisfy both of our egos. i just can't be frank enough that i would again need time for myself to be able to sort things out and do things which i have long brushed aside.
i was so emotionally drained but i have to get some sleep. i forgot how i was able to doze off but i woke up earlier than my usual routine, at 4:00 am. so there i was without a friend in sight, hanging on to hope but i'm alright.

arrrghh, my feelings are streaming through again and they fork as it approaches my heart. darn. when will this end?

letting go

I used to feel the emptiness inside meI was not supposed to feel that way
I had everything I needed
But nothing ever made me
What I longed to be
The wealth, the name
The lights, the fame
Were everything to me
And then one night
Out of the blue
I heard His name (Jesus)
And so I took that step of faith
And walked into His domain
I believe that's what He wants
Every heart to do
When hard may seem the task
One step is all He asks of you
Letting go to know the truth
Is not so hard to do
It's the heart that's got the will
To open up for Him to fill
And trusting and believing Him
Is all we've got to do
It's just the heart that's got to move
For Him to show His love that's been there
Even when we never cared
Take hold of His hand
Let go and you'll understand
Why be afraid
For God knows what you're feeling
But even He can't do a thing
If He sees the heart's not willing
And so we ask what's going on
We want what's right and still do wrong
When hard may seem the task
One step is all He asks of you
I guess by now you'd realize
You can't be on your own
And all your cares
And all your burdens
Should be cast upon His throne
Letting go, just let go, letting go
Let go and you'll understand
Just let go and you'll understand
gary valenciano

i am torn, i'm already torn. fuck